The beginning what could possibly be complicated about beginnings? So many things!
For starters - how I got here. I was conceived in lust. My biological father, whom I often referred to as the sperm donor, was 45 years old, married, and with two children when I was conceived. My mother was but a 15yr old school girl who turned 16 just 10 short days after my “birth” day. One could argue that I was an accident, my mother referred to it as a surprise, not a delightful surprise but a surprise nonetheless. It's complicated. What does one do with that. How does one get rid of the scarlet letter? My mother decided at the young and tender age of 15 to keep and wear her scarlet letter. Wherever her scarlet letter took her, is where she would go. So you see it's complicated and yet simple. I was given life. I was brought to this earth for a purpose but not in the way that one that would think a person with purpose shows up on the scene. Fast forward, two daughters I have two beautiful daughters both wanted both desired not a scarlet letter to be found on these precious ones. What a gift for my children to have been conceived in love. What a gift for my children to have a strong man, a man of integrity, and a gentleman for a father. Who would have thought that my complicated beginnings would yield such beauty. Not even I could have dreamt up such a scene. Not me, I remembered that scarlet letter because I wore it all too well. More at: VLOG: Wonder Woman Diaries
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The verdict aka my opinion -- Life is messy. People are messy. Christ follower, it's time to wash some feet. The movie delivered a solid story line, yet there was so much more to unpack, but here's my take-away as I reflect on the Body of Christ as a whole and how salt-less we have become. I've been homeschooling my girls since day one. We've experienced our share of co-ops / homeschool groups, and we've also relocated several times. This meant that each move required us to "start over" and get plugged-in. This is a challenge, especially when people have their "clicks" and they do not want to let anyone "in" - unless, of course, you look like them - because that's so Christ-like. As a family we've attended a variety of churches and I can honestly tell you that there have been three pastors, that I've had the privilege to serve with that saw their calling as one that required not only a strength of character but a lot of humility; they were not petty tyrants, but rather wisdom ruled their hearts and minds as they delegated authority and shepherded their flock. They spoke into my life in such a way that I lack the words, I only have tears of gratitude. As a Worldview teacher one of the things that I focus on with students is to not only understand the Biblical Worldview but to be able to recognize how the other dominant worldviews seep into our lives. As someone who was raised by a mom who was impacted by the Jesus Movement (except she joined a cult) -- she was desperately seeking a connection, she was tired of the rote steps and dogmatic rules, she wanted to "feel" - no surprise there. History has shown us these movements. We had the enlightenment (rational / reason) and then romanticism (people wanted to feel something / a connection). Hegel gave us historical materialism and Marx took his ideas and made it dialectical materialism (class warfare). Eventually we decided to be "modern" only to surrender and throw the baby out with the bathwater (postmodernism). Since we're such smart humans and there's nothing new under the sun, here we go again. Calvin was right - the human heart is but an idol factory and Christians love their comfort zones. We don't like messes because we (somehow) forgot what a mess we ARE. As a Christ follower we were definitely saved FROM damnation but we are also saved FOR transformation. Our comfortable excuses are just our way to keep the idols of our making on the altar. The husband and I were taking in a personal inventory as we discussed this movie and there's one thing we both came away with. Our girls know that they can bring the "hippie" through our doors and we will gladly serve them. They've been raised in a home where the door is open, and yes, people have shown up at the oddest hours. I need a sign - "Come as you are, but when you leave - take Jesus with you." See the movie or don't, but as Christ followers we need to do better. The Lord did not die so we can be comfortable. When my daughter wanted to study theology in parallel with her certificate program that she plans on obtaining in the next year. We decided on RBC (Reformation Bible College) for this endeavor due to a statement made by one of the professors, Dr. Tweedale, during the orientation. He said that studying theology was "dangerous" - it was dangerous because it opens the door to being "puffed up with knowledge" and failing to balance that knowledge with being filled with the Holy Spirit. In this article, McDowell says this about the study of theology - "Proper theology can help us understand God’s character, so we can relate to Him better. But good theology alone does not mean we are becoming like Jesus." What I want most for my children is to pursue Holiness. I also know that, in practice, that goal will look different for each child. You know that child that all you have to do is "give them a look" and they know; whereas another child may require more (or less). How we execute the discipline may look different, yet the end goal is the same. As such we have to use discretion with methodologies in thinking that one-size fits all. They simply do not. There is value in looking at a "system" - a way of doing things, but we need to proceed with caution. In our eagerness to do Christianity "right" let us not think for a moment that we, who are but sinners (made in the image of God), that needed the atoning sacrifice of the Cross because we could not keep the law, (it was and is impossible); believe we can come up with any methodology that must adhere to man-made interpretations. Let us not be deceived. All that produces is pointy fingers (bad fruit). Even if any method or practice has any merit, how arrogant and foolish for any one of us to think that said method can be applied to every person, at all times, and in very situation. Let us not, in our enthusiasm, make every theological point a first-level issue. What the Holy Spirit needs to apply in your life may not be what He needs to apply in your friend's life. Don't make every theological point one that divides. It's inconsistent with the Scriptures. #TheFruitoftheSpiritisNOTgoodTheology #DoJusticeLoveMercyWalkHumbly Galatians 5:22-23 P.S. Another article on this subject matter. The "they committee" -- Be nice! Me -- No, no thank you! I am not raising my children to be "nice" and I shall make no apologies for it. My daughters are women of strength and the last thing I want is for them to be "nice" or be attracted to a "nice guy". Nice guys are easy to emasculate. Nice guys won't lead. There are women out there that want that because *they* don't ever want to be challenged. So a nice guy fits the bill. He's easy to mold and to keep in line. We are experiencing a crisis in the culture where men don't even know HOW to be men anymore because for decades our focus has been placed on being nice. Ugh! Interesting that Scripture specifically tells us to be KIND not nice and if God warns us against "niceness" we should take heed. Kindness requires vulnerability. It requires selflessness on behalf of the giver. It means that when you ask someone how they are doing, you take the time to listen to the answer. Niceness barely puts in the effort to nod and smile, you might even get an occasional wave. Niceness is rooted in self-esteem (selfishness - look at me, I am nice ), in contrast kindness is about making a connection. In that connection, you may need to say and/or hear, things that require a step out of your comfort zone, but that is where growth happens. Nice people don't grow, they are stunted by their need to please people and they live in bondage to appearances. Too much to put in one mere blog post but suffice it to say, I've made it a point to not raise "nice" girls and I've also taught them that the last thing they should look for is a "nice" guy. I have taught them to be attracted to godly character, to a man that pursues holiness and righteousness, a man that will not be threatened by their strength, and is strong enough to be soft with them. When that young man of godly character shows up, may they, together, pursue righteousness and continue to build on the faith given to them. May they be kind to one another and to those they are blessed to serve. Thankfully, I didn't marry a "nice" guy. I married a kind man, whose temperament has consistently been of a man willing to be molded in the image of his creator. He has walked humbly with God and has faithfully executed the role of servant leader in our home. Being a parent has got to be the most rewarding and challenging ministry that I have been gifted. As I reach my graduation year of home education I have many brain things bouncing around in my head. Allow me to share some with you. BK (before kids) I recall asking God to show me how to love like He loves me. He, being all-knowing, understood the assignment and made me a mom. The first thing I learned was - love at first sight. Not just an emotional feeling but the willful decision to love these little humans who couldn't even say "I love you" back and were completely dependent on my commitment to love and care for them. The next thing I learned was that I had a lot of growing up to do. You're never ready for children, but you're always ready to learn and grow. Grow up I did. When my children were babies, if they weren't with me in church, I was with them in the nursery. When they were toddlers, same. I served where they were and I grew along side of them every step of the way. Then came the teenage years... Because one fine day in the ministry of parenting we wake up and there are no more chubby cheeks, they're taller, (that came a lot quicker for me, haha!) and they don't ask for your opinion or seek out your guidance. Without warning you have been replaced by Mr. Independence (their new friend). It happens and how we navigate their new friend matters. Mr. Independence should be someone we should welcome with ease not with the struggle it seems to always turn out to be. We must remind ourselves daily (sometimes hourly) that our relationship with our adult children will outlast the years of their childhood. The problem with Mr. Independence's arrival is that we feel left out of their lives. The lives that we poured our heart, mind and soul into; the sacrifices, sleepless nights, we suddenly feel unwanted and unnoticed. There in lies the struggle of parenting teenagers, soon to be adults. As I like to remind my girls, "I am growing up too" and to take it easy on me because the struggle is real. The fact that they need and want to spend more time with Mr. Independence than me is a struggle. I feel left behind. I am proud of them, but some days it's just plain lonely to parent and so I tell them Mr. Independence is welcomed too. I want to hear about their adventures. I want to make sure that he's giving them good counsel. Whether they realize it or not I actually knew about Mr. Independence, I just wasn't ready for them to meet. If we're honest, we are never really *ready* for the next phase and/or challenge but not being ready does not stop the growth from happening. We either grow up with them or they grow up without us. As I pour over the memories I am beyond thankful. Thankful for the children that God gave me, thankful for me, a broken sinner, to be given the gift of parenting these amazing humans. Although I wasn't excited about them meeting their new friend so soon, I was saving him for a special occasion (at least that's what I keep telling myself). I am thankful for Mr. Independence and together we've got a lot more memories to make.
However, when the Holy Spirit is active and at work in our children's lives, we can rest knowing God is in control. He knows them better than we think and He loves them MORE than we do.
Our children's "virginity" is NOT the "high prize" -- holiness is. Let us not sexualize (stop sexualizing) our children. If virginity was the "high prize" -- what do we do with Rahab? What about the woman at the well? What about the sexual brokenness that permeates our culture? If "virginity" is the "prize" then we, in our flesh, are limiting who is eligible for redemption. How very arrogant of us That doesn't mean to run off and sin with wild abandon. It does mean that humans that understand WHO God is and recognize Him as Lord over their lives will make wise decisions. Should they stumble, put down your pitchforks, because the hem of His garment still saves. #TheologyMatters #WorldviewMatters It's been a while...like a couple years while. A lot has happened since 2017. For starters, I graduated high school (for the first time). I tested the waters with dual-enrollment. After eight years in the DC / Northern VA, (aka Nineveh), we were finally granted a transfer. We thought we were headed to GA but we got FL instead. Not even three months into our relocation we were welcomed by Hurricane Dorian. He wasn't all the interested in us so he went East to the Bahamas. We lived in temporary quarters while one house sold (VA) and the other was being built (FL). Trying to establish roots when our temporary quarters were 40 minutes away from where our new home would be made "settling in" quite the challenge. We stayed as busy as we could commuting daily to the local Christian school for one biology class, ballet school and church, all these activities were located at least 30 minutes away. Just when I thought I was done commuting -- the joke was on me, ha! We finally moved into our new home in February 2020 and just as the last box was unpacked and we were ready to explore our surroundings, we welcomed Covid into our lives and it was back in the house for us as well as everyone else. The good news was that the shutdown gave us all a time to pause, reflect, and reconnect. On a personal level, we had been running the "rat-race" for the better part of eight years and it was delightful to have us all at home. We went from having dinners together once a week to daily gatherings around the dinner table, daily readings and simply enjoying one another. The reset was needed and welcomed. By summer of 2020 we were ready to come out of hibernation, thankfully Florida understood the assignment and life got back to normal fairly quickly for everyone except me, of course. While we have enjoyed living in FL, trying to find our new tribe has been everything we never dreamt of. We know that realistically it takes the better part of two years to get settled in no matter where you move to. Unfortunately for us the biggest impact Covid had on our family was setting us back two years specifically when it came to finding our groove here. The reset button has been "set" and we are finding our groove in our new found home. February is the month of “love,” and to be honest I was intimidated by the topic. I ran to my bookshelves to determine if there was anything I had read or needed to read so I could properly address the subject of “love.” I realized I had purchased, but not yet read Four Loves by C.S. Lewis, so I was determined to digest this book and wait for the Holy Spirit to speak. Right as I was about to pour the coffee and break out my pad and paper, my past came back to haunt me. I’ve been weeping and praying for the past 24 hours and determined that I would go ahead and share. Present day, I am a married woman of 20 years (going on 21). I have the house, two kids and the fluffy puppy. One could argue that I am living the American Dream. I can attest to the fact that I never dreamed that this would be my life. I describe myself as a recovering Postmodernist Feminist but everyone that has known me for the past 23 years doesn’t realize what exactly that means. They’ve only seen the “sanctified” version of me. Truth be told, I keep God rather busy in my sanctification process on a daily, hourly and let’s just be honest, a minute-by-minute basis. Thank goodness He is Omnipresent! In her latest book, Openness Unhindered, Rosaria Butterfield said what I live on a daily basis: “In order to have real community, we need to tell each other the stories of our lives. And we need to listen when someone else’s story makes us uncomfortable… I want you to know from what country I emigrated, and in which country my citizenship permanently and eternally resides. I’m not a native speaker of this country. No real convert is. I will always speak in broken godliness, as new paradigms reread old feelings.” With that said, let’s chat about that visitor from my old country. As I said, I had rifled through my bookcase and was ready to read C.S. Lewis’ Four Loves – between Lewis and my Bible, I thought I was ready to write this devotional. I receive an alert on my phone and I immediately recognize the name, and upon closer examination, the face. My husband happened to be home sick and I walk into our room and ask him if he’s awake. I tell him. It was my ex-husband, he found me. There’s so many lessons to derive from this. One thing is for sure, the internet is forever! Don’t think I didn’t use that teachable moment on my girls, but I digress. I felt compelled to respond, but I wanted to talk to my husband first. He gives me the green light. I responded. I’ll spare you all the details and simply sum up our conversation. There’s a couple of things you need to understand about my immigration process. Being a pro-life activist and looking back has afforded me a whole lot of perspective; perspective that had me weeping when our conversation was complete. When I met him, I was drawn to his story. My mother had me at age 15 only to turn 16 a week later; my biological father was 45. While the circumstances surrounding my birth were less than ideal, I was welcomed in my family. I was loved. My ex was born with “club foot,” making him what the current Progressive movement refers to a less than desirable. In family court, he watched his mother leave and his brother get adopted while he was left behind. Of course, I being young, vulnerable and for added measure let’s throw in some hormones, I felt that if I just “loved him well,” I could fix him. Therein lies the rub. Dear friends, this is the ultimate egoism to think that I, a mere mortal, can love someone better than God can. His love is perfect, mine is far from it. Being a Christian, I now know that the only person capable of loving that deeply and healing all those hurts is Jesus. Not me, no matter how noble my intentions. But in my faulty humanity, I believed I could. I failed in epic proportions and naturally this led to our inevitable divorce. Fast forward, I have before me a broken man, who is seeking peace and closure. During our conversation, I reminded him that I thought we had parted ways amicably and that we did in fact have closure. Then he reminded me of just how broken I was during our last meeting. I was headed to a far-away country; and just like a prodigal, I threw my fist up to the heavens and would listen to no one. I was willing to forgive his indiscretions and the abuse, but I wanted no part of what he had to say or offer. It should be noted that while present day, I advocate fiercely for the unborn and for the weak, I aborted this man’s child. Deeply humbling is all I can say. He said to me, “I have had dreams that you were dead.” That hit me square in between the eyes. When I paused to reflect the country he was seeing me head into, it’s no surprise that he wondered whether I was even alive. He said to me, “You were so far gone!” and I gently replied, “Not too far for God” I think Christians tend to forget that “but for the Grace of God, go I” we really do. We forget we were enemies of God. While I don’t recognize that person I once was anymore, this was the last impression I left with him and it left an impact. In our short interaction, I realized the footprints that we leave behind when Jesus is not at the center of our lives. In this new country, I seek to make an impact for God’s Kingdom. I offer up the only thing I can offer and that is the Greatest Love of All – and no, it is not loving yourself. It is full surrender to the One and only that can heal all your wounds and take a heart made of stone and soften it. Only He can make things new. I know. Here I stand, as the song says, “Greatly blessed, highly favored, imperfect but forgiven child of God” [1] __________________________________________________________________ This blog appeared at Rachael Carman, Rooted at the Throne, devotional series [1] Song credit: Gaither Vocal Band I've taken easily-distracted to a whole new level. If it was an Olympic sport, hands down I went for the gold this year or was that last year?I failed to get the Christmas letter out in time, truth be told, I never actually wrote it. Here we are at that wonderful time of the year where all the guilt of the year's past failures are supposed to absolve themselves with a list of future good intentions and ideas. The list that will give me a sort of guilt-free pass for the next 30 days. I pray that no one notices when I fail to keep up with it.
What I really need is grace, because the list is long and the days are short. Going from being easily-distracted to being easily-discouraged is not a giant leap for me. This is primarily due to genetics. I am but woman. In the midst of the Christmas celebrations, leave it to Facebook and its "memories" feature to remind me of my miscarriage eight years ago. I proceeded to recall the subsequent two miscarriages, followed by recalling the former three. If you're counting, that's six deposits in heaven. Six lives that I never got to see to fruition. For the cherry on top, my biological clock is well on its way to ticking its last tock and the realization that my womb is officially closing is setting in. My emotions were in full swing. The obvious sadness set in, followed by the hope that one day I will meet them. Quick question: Why do we look at the mom with "a lot" of kids, as defined by our preconceived definitions, and pour out our pity? Why not speak out a blessing? Likewise, why look at the mom with one or two and claim she has it so easy? I can assure you it wasn't "easy" losing six babies. Why are women so hard on each other and themselves? I digress, this got me thinking about the job at hand. The parenting that God has entrusted me with today. The two that God said, "You are worthy to be their mom" and that one day, I pray, will rise up and call me blessed (Proverbs 31:29) Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her My former pastor encouraged us to read the Bible slowly and upon revisiting this infamous chapter something caught my eye, verse 29. “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.” Oh no! There's a "fairest of them all" in the Holy Scriptures, GASP!! No wonder women are so competitive. Lord just rapture me now, I'll take the express train to my heavenly tent (forget the mansion) in the nosebleed section of heaven. Woe is me, I am a woman of unclean lips...and bad fashion sense. I read several commentaries on this verse. Seriously! I needed to know what I'm dealing with. In a nutshell this description of the "woman of strength and wisdom" comes to its crescendo with the testimony of those who know her best. Her children and her husband's praise was the most meaningful. Think about the cards children make that exclaim, "You're the best mom in the world!" We post those proudly on our fridge and keep them displayed, and although they may lose their luster, they never lose their meaning. That is what this verse is speaking to. Let us remember that, as wives and mothers, our first ministry is our home - our husband and our children. This is where we do our most important work, and we each do it ever so differently. Which brings me back to why are women so hard on themselves? More importantly, why are we so hard on each other? I think somewhere along the way we got duped into thinking that the most important accolades come from the culture, when in fact they come from what is going on in the privacy of our own home. God knows our hearts and sees our work and will rewards us in due time. We tend to get impatient and instead seek the affirmation from the people that matter least. Why do we judge harshly another mom's choices whether it be in academics, discipline, or extra-curricular activities? When we see another woman in the "heat of the battle" with her child, why do we assume the worst of her? I remember once being at a store and a mom was struggling with her toddler as my girls and I came around the aisle. I could see her feeling exasperated and about to surrender to her toddler because now there was an "audience." I very decidedly told my children, "Don't look, you've done worse!" I grabbed my item and quickly made my leave as I gave her a nod of encouragement. If I was going to make a "resolution" this year, it would be to focus on being the "fairest of them all" in the only place that it matters - my home. When other women do things differently than me, because they have different kids with different needs or just a different situation, may my first instinct be to speak life into their lives and to encourage them to succeed so that they too are called blessed. May we seek wisdom in how the Lord has equipped each of us and may He lavishly give us the strength and wisdom that we need to answer the call to our first ministry. |
AuthorRaised by a single mom traveling around the East Coast with regular trips to the Caribbean. On a mission to self-actualize, she found herself at the "wrong place" at the right time. Currently resides in Ninevah and is a self-professed coffee addict. Archives
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